Mount Aspiring College grudgingly gets going early on a Monday morning. An absence of the songs of fantails adds to the depressing demeanor, reinforcing the taxing effect that the early week has on all creatures. The grounds have been in a slumber for the past two days and only now, as the students begin to trickle in, does it wake to the reality of life. The pupils struggle to find the motivation to make their way to period one class. To continue to put one foot in front of the other. In the hallways, the undead students scrape their feet across the rough concrete, groaning and moaning their way along. The relentless buzz of the aircon dominates the surroundings. Above this cold graveyard of hallways and classrooms, an inversion layer unwillingly shelters us from the summery warmth of the sun, suffocating us with a cloud of thick smog. As the bell sounds, shrill ringing out through the grounds, the teachers wearily shuffle off to their classes. Early starts. frosty mornings. Exhausting routines. They are hit again with the weekly realization of what they signed up for. The drone of the artificial lighting slices through the cold silence, casting a supernatural glow over the classroom and illuminating the sleepy students. A mixture of shrugs and grunts are the few responses given when they are asked to contribute to the class discussion. While the teacher tentatively announces the upcoming internal, a wave of eye rolls travels across the room. With this dreadful news, the party animals of the past weekend, bloodshot in the eyes, begin counting the minutes until Friday when they have the freedom to let themselves go again and enjoy life.
The zombie apocalypse has come to a grinding halt. Replacing this, the students have found new life. New purpose. A breath of fresh air. The school grounds prepare to go back into a deep sleep for the next few days, fatigued from a week of hustle and bustle. Fantails, tuis, and countless other birds can be seen again, chasing clouds and running from yapping dogs. Bursting with energy, dancing across the horizon. Walking confidently, a sense of purpose and intention is now in the stride of the students. The groans and moans have disappeared. Hoots of laughter now fill the hallways and corridors, growing louder and louder as the time until the weekend closes in. Beyond the playgrounds and fields, the inversion layer has been burnt slowly away allowing a warm breeze to rustle the trees ever so slightly. The bell has become a welcome release for students and teachers alike. it’s sweet song rings through the classrooms and hallways, signaling doors to crash open. Stampedes of students dash from the classrooms, towards the gates and the outside world. Contrary to the slow trickle of zombies earlier in the week, the lively students pour from the front gates like a raging waterfall, desperate for their freedom, eager for their escape. Among the excitement, whispers of weekend plans, and gossip of who is going to which party can be deciphered. This slowly dies out and a hush settles over the grounds. the teachers are finally allowed to breathe. With a sigh, they sink into their snug chairs, savoring the brief moment of relaxation. They are finally at peace. Looking forward to a blissful weekend, they pick themselves up and stroll from the empty graveyard. Now night begins to drown out the day, the fluorescent glow of the college disappears and it is gently put back into its peaceful slumber.
2 Comments
Add Yours →Hi Ben,
You have been super productive during the first couple of hours on this work!
Some things to think about:
– Your punctuation and syntax are clumsy and inaccurate in places which means the fluidity of your writing is affected. Look to correct things such as comma misuse.
– Vary your sentence starters so that the piece has better flow and each sentence leads into the one that follows.
– There are great moments in this piece. Look to develop consistently with your devices. Look to strike a constant tone/mood through grouping your language choices or developing a theme to your devices (personification, metaphor etc).
Mrs. P
Hi Ben,
It is good to see that you have made progress since I last checked this piece. Your time change is distinct and your piece fits the task well.
During your final four periods of writing, I encourage you to think about:
– Look to develop flow in your piece. Connect different elements of your setting together using more complex syntax. At the moment, there is a listed feeling to this piece. Think about how you can use connectives to achieve this.
– Use an active voice. These scenes should be occurring now and be written using the continuous present tense. Be sure to use verbs precisely to achieve this.
– Look to consistently ‘show’ your scene. At times, the fluidity of your piece is interrupted by the switch to ‘tell’.
During the final hours, you will need to edit this very carefully. Look for errors in your grammar, punctuation and spelling. Reading your work out loud to yourself will help you to hear where you have made mistakes or your writing doesn’t sound quite right.
Mrs P